No Need to Fear
Fear is a powerful, persuasive, often overwhelming thing. Fear is sometimes so intense that it can be paralyzing, or can bring on waves of anxiety. A few weeks ago I wrote about joining an ultimate frisbee team. And it's been going marvelously- I've been having lots of fun and it's grown in me a sense of enjoyment of both this city and my life. However, this last week I got hit. Quite hard. I felt my body go one way and my head snap the other. I hit the ground knowing I was hurt but also fine. So, I stood up. And I kept playing. My neck hurt, but not badly. I suspected I had whiplash, and figured I would need a chiropractic adjustment. But overall, it was just a hard hit and nothing too serious. Certainly not serious enough to cause fear. But a couple hours later, I experience a small amount of muscle spasming in my neck and my anxiety reared its ugly head. I kept having thoughts and flashbacks to last time I had whiplash, of the pain, of the time, energy, and money it took to get well. I wondered, panicked, if I was more hurt than I thought I was. I wondered if I was going to have to go through the whole challenging process of getting well again. And it really, really scared me to even conceive of that idea. I went to the chiropractor, I got an adjustment. I have a massage schedule for this week. I was right - I do have whiplash - but it's mild. I'm fine. There was no need to fear. Do you ever get that way though? Feel good enough, for long enough you start forgetting what it felt like to be sick - physically or mentally - and then a day happens that reminds you, and it freaks you out? Every once in a while it happens for me. Those days are hard. Those days are the ones I fight most fiercely against my anxiety. And in the end, I just have remind myself: Health isn't constant. There are ups and downs. But one way or another, I keep living, I keep fighting, and I keep taking the good that comes with the bad.